Dear reader,
Nobody likes being forced into anything, and I feel this intensely.
I still remember the simmering anger I used to feel whenever I recall my working days in the so-called ordinary world.
Like everyone, I was forced to perform an array of irrelevant, meaningless tasks dictated by whichever unlucky boss happened to have me on their team.
I'm the same way now—if I'm pushed to do something, even a task I might moderately enjoy, I become overwhelmingly resentful. Am I a massive control freak? Probably.
But that's not our topic for today! Today, I want to discuss how Self-Enforced Rest (SER) has been the key to maintaining some semblance of stability in my life, particularly when managing my energy levels.
And why and how this doesn't come easy...
For those who are new here, I've spent significant chunks of the past four years confined to bed due to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS/ME) and Autistic Burnout.
It's been horrible, but paradoxically, it has also been the most invaluable experience of my life. I've come to know myself intimately and, in the process, have evolved into a kind of energy wizard.
I'm hyper-aware of my energy levels, what activities will cause energy drain, how they do, and what I need to do to fill my tank and when. I'm committed to monitoring these levels at all times.
Sounds easy. Sounds like something we should all know?
I employ SER when I'm not tired, even when I have bags of energy.
It's extremely tough to do - for an ADHDer who thrives on task completion, dopamine rushes and new plans and ideas.
Here are some of the things I need breaks from:
Societies expectations
Other people's energy
Toxic energy - from traffic, supermarkets, airports etc
Overstimulation to my physical body from carrying heavy things or too much exercise
Hyper focusing on work
My phone
Other times, I just need rest from my wild, tangled mind.
I've learned that maintaining a decent life—one where I can go food shopping and meet friends for lunch—requires a proactive approach. Instead of reacting to warning signals, I now act before they even appear.
This approach has been transformative, allowing me to avoid potential burnout.
As I reflect on my health journey, it's glaringly apparent that my friends, too, are grappling with similar health challenges.
This shared experience underscores a widespread issue among women our age, those of us who've put our kids/partners/colleagues/friend's needs before our own and are now grappling with mild to severe health challenges because of it.
What's to blame? The usual culprits—capitalism and patriarchy, of course. A deep-rooted sense of never doing and never being enough. In my years as a Life Coach, I never met a single woman who didn't wrestle with these feelings. We 'should' all be doing more!
For today's post, I surveyed six of my friends about their approach to rest- this is what I asked:
Seeking thoughts on self-enforced rest. Is it something you do because you know you'll suffer further down the line if you don't?
Here's what some of them said:
I do, but it always makes me sad that I'm not seeing my friends or having human contact. Even though I can't cope with it at those times, I still miss it. I just try to ride the sadness. And if I rest for too long, I find it almost impossible to reemerge.
Unfortunately, my upbringing doesn't allow me to rest. It doesn't fit with the toxic work ethic drummed into me.
Over the years, I've learned to see the signs that trouble is on the horizon. So, for me, rest is going outside and weeding the earth, listening to the wind, birds, and bees, with the phone turned off. That's my guilt-free rest and the most restorative for me.
I romanticise about it, but when it comes to it, I believe there are far more important things to be doing.
None of the women I asked took time for themselves during the working day—even for a couple of minutes—besides their lunch break.
I asked a further question: Does resting have to be done alone?
Maybe not, but it has to be contained. I know I have to be 100% if I'm socialising—otherwise, it takes all of my reserves if I'm in retreat mode. On the other hand, if I'm feeling good, then socialising brings me joy and satisfaction. But when I'm resting, I need quiet, calm, restorative vibes. One-on-one is manageable and comforting.
As someone who's missed birthday parties and holidays due to fatigue, I understand how sad resting can feel.
The fact we're so conditioned against rest is also sad.
I have additional thoughts about why so many of us are against rest.
As a mind-body advocate, I firmly believe that repressed emotions are the root cause of many illnesses, and to achieve true wellness, we need to process and release these emotions.
Taking the time to rest and create space for ourselves allows buried feelings to surface, to be heard, and to be fully felt. This process is essential for healing, and it's how I'm now in recovery from CFS/ME.
But this often means confronting excruciatingly painful emotions—years of oppression, self-betrayal, and unacknowledged suffering. It takes immense courage to face and deal with these deeply rooted issues, which hurts like hell.
A sign that we have deeply buried emotions is feeling agitated, anxious, or in flight when we finally sit down to rest. This can lead us to reach for food, wine, TV, etc., to take our minds away from this discomfort.
This is the reason I've suffered with so much addiction.
For me to heal involved endless dark nights of the soul, an existential crisis, and tears beyond tears.
No wonder many of us are repelled by rest, even though we may not realise that's why we're avoiding it.
To give some glimmer of hope, I will say that these emotions are never as painful as we think they'll be—in the sense that we're not going to die from feeling them. We'll be okay, and life gets better because of it.
Rest isn't simply about physical relaxation—it's a pivotal opportunity for emotional and mental cleansing.
Embracing Self-Enforced Rest (SER) shouldn't be a luxury; preserving our energy and wellbeing is necessary.
This involves confronting and processing uncomfortable, deep-seated emotions that may bubble up as we rest, as if left unattended, can manifest as chronic conditions and burnout.
It involves carving time out every day to rest AND feel.
By proactively incorporating SER into my routine, I've created a sustainable balance that allows me to thrive rather than just survive.
I encourage us all to carve out time for genuine rest. Challenge the ingrained beliefs that equate rest with laziness or failure. Understand that stepping back is a powerful act of self-care.
It is hard, but we can break free from the harmful cycles perpetuated by societal pressures and capitalist demands and instead foster a life where we listen to our bodies, honour our emotional needs, and ultimately, be well.
Rest is not just an antidote to exhaustion; it's a radical form of self-love and liberation.
I hope you have a restful week,
Love Hannah xoxo
I can relate to all of this. As an introvert I've always found socialising in large groups of people overwhelming and often need to steel myself to do it. Most of the time it does me good to be pulled out of my shell but I carry a mental battery level inside me. When it's really low, I withdraw which I guess is SER. It's a fine balance. Too much SER drives me further inside myself (bad), but I'm getting better at pacing myself and overcoming FOMO to stay away and rest
I wish I was better at resting. Maybe then I wouldn't be feeling as unwell as I currently am. Totally agree the resting invites in difficult emotions that can become overwhelming and unbearable. I do love moments of rest but am also a single parent so always someone else's needs to consider. Life feels exhausting at the moment x