I was the child who had to wear the same pink shirt with the pocket every day (so I could carry pebbles, of course). I was at constant war with the seams of my socks. I cried bloody murder when my mom left me at kindergarten and was apparently non verbal for all of first grade.
I connected the dots…much later. Like after many traumatic experiences and developing chronic illness later. Definitely neurodivergent.
After 3 years of Long Covid and a year of moderate to severe ME/CFS, I still get intense rage when I’ve missed a meal, stacked too many tasks back to back, or masked my true feelings.
I do think my body is upset with me for crossing the boundary with myself, so I connect with my inner self and I apologize to her. I tell her I’ve got her and I’ll try to be more mindful next time. xo
Hi Lisa. I SO resonate with the anger when I've missed a meal - thanks for drawing my attention to that... really love your approach to going inward and offering self-compassion, I do this when I remember to and then it's all ok. If only we were conditioned to be kind to ourselves.. thanks so much for contributing 😊
Remembering is definitely key - which is extra challenging if you’re in a heightened state - and acknowledging that we’re fighting conditioning when we forget ❤️ we’re all just doing our best!
Yes, thank you for writing this - this is FOUNDATIONAL & Fundamental for any kind of human flourishing.
& fuck no to having to prove that our needs matter, that if we say something is too much, we mean it, and that is enough.
We are not supposed to somehow be able to flip a magic switch and have the same sensitivities as anyone else…& if it would not bother someone else, who cares. Not to mention how deeply irrational that is - getting confirmation that what you are feeling is actually what you are feeling by someone outside of you.
Feeling our feelings, respecting our own sensitivities…this is the work of the revolution & the only real way out of the death spiral of the narcisstic death cult!
Wow. This is so important. I’m sharing it with my therapist right now. As for how it feels to be this vulnerable with this, all I see in your essay is courage. From top to bottom, courage and perseverance. You are amazing and I can’t wait to read more from you.
Hi Hannah, thank-you for writing this - it is so rich and deep, and resonating! And i absolutely agree with others that anger has a purpose and no one should be shamed for feeling it ( what someone does with the anger is a different matter) but hurrah for understanding and relating to the messages of anger and meltdowns 🙂 x
I'm sad that none of the seven (SEVEN!) mind-body programs I've tried have relieved my ME/CFS + co-morbidities...and I still loved this take. It's so lovely to see anyone escape. And whether it helps my health or not, what a great reminder that autistic rage is hard and valid and needs to be discharged!
Hi Kira. I'm so sorry to hear you haven't experienced any relief from mind/body programs. Sending love to you. I really appreciate your generosity. Love your use of the word 'discharged' that is such a great way to explain the essential anger release. Thank you for taking the time to make such a meaningful contribution to this post - the more we all talk about our unique experiences the more empowered we can all be :)
This article was so wonderful and incredibly relatable for me as a very late diagnosed AuDHD+ person. Thank you. I'd also like to write about my meltdowns, non-verbal episodes and struggle to come to terms with diagnosis but I'm not ready. In the meantime your story is important so please keep telling it. Sending love.
Hi Sky. I'm so glad you found it relatable. Completely understand about not being ready to write or share about it - it has taken me a couple of years to process. Thanks so much for your encouraging words - they mean a lot 😊
I can never get over the societal ignorance in anger shaming. Anger, like all emotions, will arise, and pass. Why aren't we taught in school how to be with our emotions? To simply recognize, "It's like this." Anger is like this, and it will pass, as all emotions pass. Perhaps the cultural conditioning comes from the patriarchy as men have so much fear around their anger. Perhaps they're scared they'll kill someone. I'm grateful that my counter cultural parents encouraged my sisters and me to hit the bed with a tennis racquet if we were feeling angry.
We can choose a safe physical expression of anger, or we can simply sit with the emotion and observe it transform, as all emotions do. For me, it's having the awareness that I am not the emotion, i.e. to not be identified with the emotion.
Hannah, thank you for writing about this important subject. The more people who write about it the better!
"Societal Ignorance" - absolutely love that phrase Camilla and I'm going to use it more often! Hitting the bed with a tennis racket sounds like a brilliant release - your parents sound wonderful. Thanks so much for sharing :)
Hannah! I relate so closely to all that you say here! I’m 43 and finally was diagnosed as ADHD (and am ASD just getting diagnosis wrapped up now). My body gave up on me in the form of crippling Fibromyalgia and I completely agree with everything you are saying. For me, it was after having my two daughters 20 months apart. One of my daughters has echolalia and is constantly making noise and has no personal space awareness which is a struggle for me and we are working through it. Also found Gabor Mate, Bessel van Der Kolk and the Nagasaki sisters too are great. Will be as I want to help other women in particular find their way out of their darkness. Thank you for this read and the recommended resources. I, too, now I’m well and have learnt how to identify my feelings (a long road!) notice rising rage regularly and it’s my sign to stop and decompress rather than push through.
Hi Gemma. When I reflect I honestly have no idea how I managed to raise a child —alone— knowing what I know now. My daughter was stuck to my hip (and in my bed) for the first three years. I'm absolutely sure this contributed to my body eventually saying no, which finally happened the year she left home. It was almost like, right she's gone, we need to deal with all of the shit of the last 19 years now.. is my philosophical take on it. Completely love Van Der Kolk too - forgot to include him! Thank you for alerting me to the Nagasaki sisters who I'm not familiar with but will investigate. I'm so pleased to hear you're better now and hope to help other women on their chronic health journeys - it is SUCH valuable work and so needed. Thank you so much for sharing 🙏
I relate to so much of your beautifully written article about rage Hannah. I too go into a shutdown straight after a meltdown. I’ve found meltdowns more frequent in menopause. I’ve often felt dazed and bewildered after them! Sometimes I feel my most alive in my rage; I can articulate exactly what I feel and want to say, concisely. It’s only the conditioning and thought of causing hurt that turns that aliveness into shame. I try not to apologise for being angry, I think it’s essential it has a place to be noticed and heard; it tells us what lies under it, alongside all the other emotions we feel. Discovering and accepting I’m autistic has definitely helped with this….. Also, thanks for transporting me to Thailand today with this article.
Hi Andrea. Thank you so much. And it is reassuring to know that it's relatable. I am so baffled by my behaviour sometimes it's comforting to know it isn't just me - even if I don't actually wish it for anyone! I resonate with what you say about feeling so alive in the rage - it's like a crystal clarity that's supercharged and almost superhuman. That's also been so fascinating- finding out what lies underneath and all the complex layers of emotions I'm holding. I was thinking last night how useful it would have been to learn to process our emotions at school rather than the history of WW2 - so random but I've been rewatching The Man in the High Castle! Lol. Thanks Andrea 😊
Hannah, YES! Exactly - why aren't we taught how to handle our emotions in school??? EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING needs to handle emotions, it would kind of make a bit of sense if this was discussed in school😆
Thank you for sharing this. It's beautifully written and so very relatable. I have also had meltdowns on Thai streets so could absolutely imagine it - with huge swathes of compassion. 💕
oh wow - hello fellow Thai street meltdowner 👋🏼 It is reassuring to know I'm not alone (even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone!)Thank you so much for your kind words about my writing and your compassion. It is most appreciated 🙏
Hi Allyson - thank you and I'm so glad you found something useful in the piece. It is hard to be so vulnerable sometimes but I try to think: f*uck it - let's get this info out there so that we can all learn from each other. Really appreciate your comments 😊
Hi Rebecca. Your comment means a lot to me - thank you! I spent last year writing a book proposal. It made me surprisingly miserable. I sent it out to a few publishers and nobody was interested - and I was pleased! Because I realised I actually didn't want to write the story I was telling. That said, I feel I will write a book one day, I'm just not sure when or what it will be about.. sending gratitude 🙏
This is such a beautifully written post that get across the emotions of repressed anger, it’s effects and potential solution. I have had one of Gabor Mate’s books on my reading pile for ages, I keep pushing it down, I am not sure why, fear of finding solutions too late as I age. I am so grateful that there the main stream, not sure how to put it, is embracing mind & body and people like you are expressing it so eloquently. In many ways too late for an old curmudgeon like me 😘
Aww thank you so much Jo. Contrary to what you might be expecting from his work I found reading it very inspiring. I know from your writing that you like digging into stuff, why not give the first chapter a go and see what you think? It is fascinating stuff and he draws on really interesting studies that date back decades. So much gratitude for your kind words Jo ❤️
YES Hannah. This is so freaking spot on.
I was the child who had to wear the same pink shirt with the pocket every day (so I could carry pebbles, of course). I was at constant war with the seams of my socks. I cried bloody murder when my mom left me at kindergarten and was apparently non verbal for all of first grade.
I connected the dots…much later. Like after many traumatic experiences and developing chronic illness later. Definitely neurodivergent.
After 3 years of Long Covid and a year of moderate to severe ME/CFS, I still get intense rage when I’ve missed a meal, stacked too many tasks back to back, or masked my true feelings.
I do think my body is upset with me for crossing the boundary with myself, so I connect with my inner self and I apologize to her. I tell her I’ve got her and I’ll try to be more mindful next time. xo
Hi Lisa. I SO resonate with the anger when I've missed a meal - thanks for drawing my attention to that... really love your approach to going inward and offering self-compassion, I do this when I remember to and then it's all ok. If only we were conditioned to be kind to ourselves.. thanks so much for contributing 😊
Remembering is definitely key - which is extra challenging if you’re in a heightened state - and acknowledging that we’re fighting conditioning when we forget ❤️ we’re all just doing our best!
so true ❤️
Yes, thank you for writing this - this is FOUNDATIONAL & Fundamental for any kind of human flourishing.
& fuck no to having to prove that our needs matter, that if we say something is too much, we mean it, and that is enough.
We are not supposed to somehow be able to flip a magic switch and have the same sensitivities as anyone else…& if it would not bother someone else, who cares. Not to mention how deeply irrational that is - getting confirmation that what you are feeling is actually what you are feeling by someone outside of you.
Hi 👋🏼 Thank you so much. Absolutely love your reframe - "if it would not bother someone else, who cares?" 🙏
https://substack.com/@goldenimpnotorious/note/c-81587073?r=o0ljk&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
Feeling our feelings, respecting our own sensitivities…this is the work of the revolution & the only real way out of the death spiral of the narcisstic death cult!
Wow. This is so important. I’m sharing it with my therapist right now. As for how it feels to be this vulnerable with this, all I see in your essay is courage. From top to bottom, courage and perseverance. You are amazing and I can’t wait to read more from you.
Hi 👋🏼 I'm so glad some of this resonated and thank you so much for your generous comments - they mean a lot to me - sending gratitude to you 🙏
Hi Hannah, thank-you for writing this - it is so rich and deep, and resonating! And i absolutely agree with others that anger has a purpose and no one should be shamed for feeling it ( what someone does with the anger is a different matter) but hurrah for understanding and relating to the messages of anger and meltdowns 🙂 x
Hi Penn, so glad some of this resonated for you and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate them 😊
I'm sad that none of the seven (SEVEN!) mind-body programs I've tried have relieved my ME/CFS + co-morbidities...and I still loved this take. It's so lovely to see anyone escape. And whether it helps my health or not, what a great reminder that autistic rage is hard and valid and needs to be discharged!
Hi Kira. I'm so sorry to hear you haven't experienced any relief from mind/body programs. Sending love to you. I really appreciate your generosity. Love your use of the word 'discharged' that is such a great way to explain the essential anger release. Thank you for taking the time to make such a meaningful contribution to this post - the more we all talk about our unique experiences the more empowered we can all be :)
This was so helpful, thank you for taking the time to write this! This is exactly what I needed to read right now.
I'm so glad you found it helpful and thank you so much for commenting Isobel ❤️
This article was so wonderful and incredibly relatable for me as a very late diagnosed AuDHD+ person. Thank you. I'd also like to write about my meltdowns, non-verbal episodes and struggle to come to terms with diagnosis but I'm not ready. In the meantime your story is important so please keep telling it. Sending love.
Hi Sky. I'm so glad you found it relatable. Completely understand about not being ready to write or share about it - it has taken me a couple of years to process. Thanks so much for your encouraging words - they mean a lot 😊
I can never get over the societal ignorance in anger shaming. Anger, like all emotions, will arise, and pass. Why aren't we taught in school how to be with our emotions? To simply recognize, "It's like this." Anger is like this, and it will pass, as all emotions pass. Perhaps the cultural conditioning comes from the patriarchy as men have so much fear around their anger. Perhaps they're scared they'll kill someone. I'm grateful that my counter cultural parents encouraged my sisters and me to hit the bed with a tennis racquet if we were feeling angry.
We can choose a safe physical expression of anger, or we can simply sit with the emotion and observe it transform, as all emotions do. For me, it's having the awareness that I am not the emotion, i.e. to not be identified with the emotion.
Hannah, thank you for writing about this important subject. The more people who write about it the better!
"Societal Ignorance" - absolutely love that phrase Camilla and I'm going to use it more often! Hitting the bed with a tennis racket sounds like a brilliant release - your parents sound wonderful. Thanks so much for sharing :)
Hanna, I tagged you in this post too, that I thought you'd appreciate: https://janepike.substack.com/p/how-do-we-make-this-anger-beautiful
Hannah! I relate so closely to all that you say here! I’m 43 and finally was diagnosed as ADHD (and am ASD just getting diagnosis wrapped up now). My body gave up on me in the form of crippling Fibromyalgia and I completely agree with everything you are saying. For me, it was after having my two daughters 20 months apart. One of my daughters has echolalia and is constantly making noise and has no personal space awareness which is a struggle for me and we are working through it. Also found Gabor Mate, Bessel van Der Kolk and the Nagasaki sisters too are great. Will be as I want to help other women in particular find their way out of their darkness. Thank you for this read and the recommended resources. I, too, now I’m well and have learnt how to identify my feelings (a long road!) notice rising rage regularly and it’s my sign to stop and decompress rather than push through.
Hi Gemma. When I reflect I honestly have no idea how I managed to raise a child —alone— knowing what I know now. My daughter was stuck to my hip (and in my bed) for the first three years. I'm absolutely sure this contributed to my body eventually saying no, which finally happened the year she left home. It was almost like, right she's gone, we need to deal with all of the shit of the last 19 years now.. is my philosophical take on it. Completely love Van Der Kolk too - forgot to include him! Thank you for alerting me to the Nagasaki sisters who I'm not familiar with but will investigate. I'm so pleased to hear you're better now and hope to help other women on their chronic health journeys - it is SUCH valuable work and so needed. Thank you so much for sharing 🙏
I relate to so much of your beautifully written article about rage Hannah. I too go into a shutdown straight after a meltdown. I’ve found meltdowns more frequent in menopause. I’ve often felt dazed and bewildered after them! Sometimes I feel my most alive in my rage; I can articulate exactly what I feel and want to say, concisely. It’s only the conditioning and thought of causing hurt that turns that aliveness into shame. I try not to apologise for being angry, I think it’s essential it has a place to be noticed and heard; it tells us what lies under it, alongside all the other emotions we feel. Discovering and accepting I’m autistic has definitely helped with this….. Also, thanks for transporting me to Thailand today with this article.
Hi Andrea. Thank you so much. And it is reassuring to know that it's relatable. I am so baffled by my behaviour sometimes it's comforting to know it isn't just me - even if I don't actually wish it for anyone! I resonate with what you say about feeling so alive in the rage - it's like a crystal clarity that's supercharged and almost superhuman. That's also been so fascinating- finding out what lies underneath and all the complex layers of emotions I'm holding. I was thinking last night how useful it would have been to learn to process our emotions at school rather than the history of WW2 - so random but I've been rewatching The Man in the High Castle! Lol. Thanks Andrea 😊
Hannah, YES! Exactly - why aren't we taught how to handle our emotions in school??? EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING needs to handle emotions, it would kind of make a bit of sense if this was discussed in school😆
Thank you for sharing this. It's beautifully written and so very relatable. I have also had meltdowns on Thai streets so could absolutely imagine it - with huge swathes of compassion. 💕
oh wow - hello fellow Thai street meltdowner 👋🏼 It is reassuring to know I'm not alone (even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone!)Thank you so much for your kind words about my writing and your compassion. It is most appreciated 🙏
This was such an impactful--and well-timed--read for me. Seriously, thank you for writing this.
Thank you Sarah 🙏 ❤️
Beautiful. And a certainly don't think less of you for having a meltdown in the dirt. In fact, I admire your vulnerability in sharing it.
I'm only a few months in to learning I am ND. This post helped a lot, thank you.
Hi Allyson - thank you and I'm so glad you found something useful in the piece. It is hard to be so vulnerable sometimes but I try to think: f*uck it - let's get this info out there so that we can all learn from each other. Really appreciate your comments 😊
I hope you give yourself so much loving kindness for the courage it takes to share your vulnerability as you do Hanna. Kudos to you.
i love reading your stuff will you be writing a book? Rebecca x
Hi Rebecca. Your comment means a lot to me - thank you! I spent last year writing a book proposal. It made me surprisingly miserable. I sent it out to a few publishers and nobody was interested - and I was pleased! Because I realised I actually didn't want to write the story I was telling. That said, I feel I will write a book one day, I'm just not sure when or what it will be about.. sending gratitude 🙏
This is such a beautifully written post that get across the emotions of repressed anger, it’s effects and potential solution. I have had one of Gabor Mate’s books on my reading pile for ages, I keep pushing it down, I am not sure why, fear of finding solutions too late as I age. I am so grateful that there the main stream, not sure how to put it, is embracing mind & body and people like you are expressing it so eloquently. In many ways too late for an old curmudgeon like me 😘
Aww thank you so much Jo. Contrary to what you might be expecting from his work I found reading it very inspiring. I know from your writing that you like digging into stuff, why not give the first chapter a go and see what you think? It is fascinating stuff and he draws on really interesting studies that date back decades. So much gratitude for your kind words Jo ❤️
I needed to read this today. Thanks Hannah x
That is so good to hear. Thank you 😊