Running Is For Better Women Than Me
Thinner, fitter, more capable, more determined and more confident
Happy February, friends,
This week I reluctantly got dressed in my running gear and headed out into the cold wind and rain for my first run of the year.
As I say this, I realise I sound like I'm a 'runner', but I'm not, not really. The only ever real running I've done was a Couch To 5K (C25K) in Dublin last summer, so it's been months since I ran properly.
Before C25K, I'd always thought running was something 'other' women did. Thinner, more capable, more determined, more confident and fitter women than me.
My younger sister Kate started C25K a couple of years ago and continued with it. I watched her Instagram stories of running routes and comments about how great she felt. Sometimes she'd pop into my house en route, and I'd feel mildly envious. Thinking: I wish I could do that.
When I knew I was going to Dublin to spend the summer with an avid runner, I knew it was my chance to give it a go with support from her. And what do you know? I can run, and I enjoy it. Running gives me something I cannot find easily elsewhere, a significant lift in endorphins in a short amount of time.
I was pretty good at running cross country at school, although I hated it. Nothing pissed me off more than our games teacher Miss Brown, who was your typical bully, saying: Ok girls, it's cross country, get your kits on, and I don't want any moaning. Nobody had the courage to complain.
I spent many a freezing winter morning dressed in a tiny gym skirt (girls weren't allowed to wear tracksuit bottoms), miserably running up steep hills against the wind and splashing through muddy rivers as I spewed angry profanities along the way. I hauled myself through the route so it would be over quickly and I could get back to school and sit on a hot radiator.
I wasn't in touch with my feelings back then, so I didn't equate running with allowing me to process emotions and helping me to feel good or confident, although it undoubtedly did. Now I'm older, I can recognise that running also gives me a feeling of empowerment from using my body in such an intense and focused way.
After my burnout last year, I had no idea I would try running again; I thought it was probably something I couldn't do again because of my health and energy levels. But slowly and surely, I felt the urge to run again, like I might have enough energy to do so.
On my first winter run, when I had the luxury of quiet country roads without traffic or other humans, I settled nicely into my own pace. With no distractions or pressure, just the rustle of my running jacket for company, I could key into the appropriate speed that's right for me. It was incredibly slow, but that's ok.
I realised that how I was running in Dublin wasn't right - for me. I was going too fast. It would be laughable if you could see me because I remember being in the park going the same speed as a mum striding along with a pushchair! But still, it was too fast for me. I'd gotten caught up with what others were doing and how fast they were running and had unknowingly quickened up to fit in. So it's perhaps what even contributed to my burnout.
It's a metaphor for life. Many of us are so busy watching what others are doing to guide us that we unconsciously change our choices and behaviour rather than going inwards to tune into what we really need. No wonder we can end up in a mess.
So I am the kind of woman that runs. I'm being sarcastic to myself here. No particular type of woman runs; or does anything. Thinking such things is just one of the weird ways we learn to hide from ourselves and others.
Some other things that I've felt weren't for me but were:
~ Solo travel
~ Sup boarding
~ Yoga
~ Moving abroad
~ Climbing mountains
~ Riding a motorbike
We limit ourselves by simply deciding something isn't for us without investigating why, and that cuts us off from so many potentially great opportunities.
Frequently it's the case that we just need to say: Fuck it, I'll try that and see if I like it. Maybe we won't enjoy it, but perhaps we will.
Events:
My online Self-Love Workshop is taking place on Saturday, the 11 Feb at 1 pm (UK time). This is my last online workshop until next winter as I start to move to in-person experiences. The session will be recorded for those who can’t make it live.
If you’ve never been to one of my events, I create a safe and friendly container to meditate, heal, write, share and learn. They are low-key and informal - you share as little or as much as you want.
Comments from my last workshop:
"Thank you for such a relaxing but stimulating afternoon. you held the space really well; your voice is lovely (I could listen to you all day!), and you were confident and warm - it felt safe and professional." - Becky
“I just wanted to thank you properly for yesterday’s workshop. It was empowering and enlightening. There are times in our lives when we need a guide. And I felt I had that with you in the workshop.” - Norma
Payment is by donation - you can find out more and book tickets here.
Weekly Guidance ~ 18 Mins 🎧 (Paid Subscribers)
In this week's audio guidance, I talk in detail about some of the ways I’ve limited my life and why, and I encourage you to reflect on what could be just right for you and bring more richness and pleasure to your life.